Fuck Everything, We're Doing 54 States

Years ago The Onion published one of the finest pieces of investigative journalism ever published. A transcript of what I'm sure were legally obtained recordings of Gillette's then CEO losing his goddamn mind. The resulting article "Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades" accurately portrays the way a broken mind can reach for true genius. Of course, living in the future, we now know that those sick freaks in the razor industry have surpassed their wildest dreams and are on to 6 blades. (maybe 7, who knows).

But today, as the Supreme Court rules that the new Ballroom/Binky can continue construction, I find myself more and more associating with the raving genius that is Gillete CEO Mr. Gillette razors. Advocates of DC Statehood like myself have long thought too small, as have Supreme Court reform advocates. But today's extreme boot-licking by judges and justices bending over backwards to please a doddering fascist shows that true forward thinking requires more.

Statehood and Supreme Court expansion are the moderate positions. Anyone can do moderate, anyone can do reform. And with a Democrat trifecta and the required political willpower almost impossible to obtain, but my mind palace fantasies running wild, I propose that future president AOC will begin her triumphant reign over not just 51, not just 52, nay I say to thee even 53, but no fewer than 54 States of this Union of Soviet States of America, and with them, 54 Supreme Court Justices.

But Kevin, you say, plenty of others have proposed increasing the number of US States to combat the unwarranted electoral value given to sparsely populated and heavily republican states by adding Puerto Rico, Guam, The Northern Mariana Islands, and D.C., or even splitting up California into Northern and Southern, where is your plan any different? "IMPERIALIST FOOL" I shout back at you for not first thinking about the reparations and full rights of self-determination owed to the U.S. Territories and Hawaii.^[1]

Instead, I propose a measure that stands or falls on its own. One that makes up in some small way for the indignities suffered from circa 2016 to present by my home and our nation's capital. I present to you, The 4 States of Washington D.C.

"Isn't a susbstantial amount of the actual walkable land of the State of Southeastern D.C. going to be bridges to Virginia?" I hear you say. "Two Senators and one member of the house along with full control over local affairs and a right to a proportionate share of federal spending" I whisper back in the sexiest tone I can manage while drenching myself in Mumbo(Mambo) sauce.

You see, making one state out of D.C. is something anyone can do. Any schmuck off the street can call themselves Moran Zamdani and ride a progressive wave of voters by taking actual anti-capitalist and anti-corporate positions that call for more than just asking our corporate masters to please maybe consider treating us a little better. True genius reaches for more.

And that's where we get to 54 Supreme Court Justices. Many have called for 11, even 13. Few are foolish enough to call for 50. But this fool thinks 54 is the right number. Why? Because if there's one thing I know about the Democrats, its that they will likely fail to take the intiative to eliminate the filibuster and enact real reform that way if they take control of the senate by a slim margin this fall. But even without a filibuster-proof majority, you have a 50/50 shot at convincing trump that 54 is 45 backwards and getting him to sign it anyway.